As Allan sat alone in the early morning twilight, he contemplated so much of what had happened over the course of his life. There was the unceasing depression, the emptiness that plagued him and left him with zero ability to derive pleasure or enjoyment from anything. There was his organic desire to fall in love, find a spouse, and have an outlet for his natural sexual needs. There were the prescriptive medications meant to help cure him: the antidepressants, sleeping aids, mood-stabilizers, all of which did little to truly help.
Then there was his self-medication and use of legal drugs, alcohol, and psychedelics to try and fill the void that legal medications could not. There was the philosophical quest to free himself from his suffering by searching for God, and finding contentedness in his lot in life by doing things. And finally, there was the penultimate expression of his frustration, the manic episodes where he became utterly delusional and acted out in the most peaceful way he could find to attain catharsis: by confessing his love to women he held some interest in, always with dire results.
Some part of him felt that the way that women treated him was unfair, but another part of him felt like their actions made sense. In the end, they devastated his life, and once his reactive anger had blown over, he forgave them for how they treated him without harboring a grudge, because he could understand some aspect of where they were coming from.
He was not a violent person, nor did he condone any particular act of aggression or violence to achieve an end. In the past, he’d blamed society, and sometimes those emotions resurfaced, his deep-seated conviction that there was something twisted about modern humanity. As a youth, those fiery emotions had produced a covetous wish that society be razed, and mankind returned to a bygone era of greater simplicity. He wrote about these thoughts, but never acted upon them, because they were formulated in the throes of frustration and hatred. Such dark thoughts left him feeling drained and spent, and exacted a terrible cost upon his psyche.
His firm belief was that the establishment of a certain form of Shariah law and of segregation of genders would honestly be better for society, but the culture he was brought up in mostly viewed this as a backwards way of thinking, without pondering the potential wisdom in it. Whenever he voiced these views, he was perceived as bigoted and misogynistic, labeled with words that hurt, and met with hatred. Probably, his rhetoric was the real issue, because he believed strongly in all of this, and his words were partially condemning.
Despite his belief in God, in Allah the most merciful and most kind, wisest over all things, Allan did not practice that belief anywhere nearly as he felt he ought to. Yet he did not impose it upon himself to do so, and thus had not established the discipline of religious practice. Rather, he practiced the spiritual aspect of remembering God, and striving to be good, to uphold virtuous action.
His greatest qualm was his use of drugs to function and his dependance on substances over faith in God. Most days, his firm belief was that his depression and everything that was wrong in his life was a byproduct of his preference to depend on drugs to allay his ailments, rather than his religion. Therefore, his punishment was delivered in the form of the fallout from his manic episodes, his use of drugs causing him to encounter needless plastic tragedies one after another. It outlined his hypocrisy for believing in God, yet not acting upon that belief.
He had called people misguided and lost in the past, but oftentimes Allan would wonder if he was not also misguided and lost, a hypocrite who condemned others for the same flaws in himself. Indeed, were not the others but a mirror into his own soul? He fervently believed he had no right to judge anyone, and thusly strove to quell the anger or negativity in his heart. He knew too well that to water such beliefs was to fall off the straight path and invite evil into one’s heart. Here, he found another application for his self-medication, because the drugs he utilized left him docile and chemically castrated, but free of spite.
In a lot of ways, Allan’s choices were borne from weakness, but an attempt to choose the lesser of two evils. He strove to write and to work, to apply his talents meaningfully where he could. He tried not to blame others for his situation, and to take responsibility for his own faults and failures. He was a man doing the best he could given what he had. Though far from perfect, he perceived that arrogance and hypocrisy were the roots of all his suffering. It was for these weaknesses that he had lost so much in life. Indeed, Allah giveth and taketh as He pleases, for He is wise over all things, the most merciful, the most kind.
Allan did not see himself as a good man. Conversely, he did not himself himself as bad. Rather, he saw himself as nothing at all.