Thoughts on Being Human (and male)

Some part of me tries to own up to my actions and my mistakes, and I do. I don’t blame other people for what I do, but I also find that I forgive myself for my actions. Sometimes I’m strict, mostly I’m understanding of my situation and what causes me to act out.

In the end, it’s loneliness and a general inability to handle it properly. I go out there and do things without thinking about the repercussions or how it will affect other people. This has gotten me banned from a gym of late, suspended from work, voted off the board of directors of a nonprofit, has led to a run-in with the secret service for my blog posts, and in the past decade, I’ve had numerous other encounters with the police.

I don’t try and justify my actions to others, because I don’t think I ever could. My actions seem justified to myself, because I know how my mind becomes short-circuited and acts impulsively and outrageously. I asked a girl if I could watch her do squats at the gym — this seems like I’m being perverse, or horny, or gross. That wasn’t the case at all. Honestly, I thought it was pretty funny, though I doubt I would have been very entertained in the end. It wasn’t an act I sought for sexual gratification.

I’ve confessed my love to numerous women, but yeah, these have all just been acts of desperation. All these women are already either married or in relationships, so that makes it doubly unlikely that anything would have come of it. But for me, I experienced a brief catharsis for being able to express my pent up emotions.

What I want more than anything else in the world is to just be in a relationship that is nurturing and inspiring. A relationship that enables me to be the best I can be, and to no longer be plagued by emotions of loneliness and emptiness. But I am okay with the thought of such a thing never coming to pass. Some part of me definitely feels like relationships are overrated: there’s a freedom to being a bachelor that I would lose in a domestic partnership.

My past has left me feeling leaden and constricted. I have moments where I want to do something spontaneous to see what happens, without worrying about whether what I’m doing is stupid or inappropriate. 

But blind spontaneity like that gets me into trouble, probably rightly so. Me being thick-skinned and thick-skulled, I keep repeating the same mistakes, though I have made tremendous strides in refraining. These past couple of weeks have just been extremely trying, partly because of horrible insomnia, partly because of new medications, and entirely because of the fallout from my actions.

I don’t expect forgiveness or understanding. I know that’s not how the world works for the most part. Right now, I’m actually thinking clearly, so I wanted to take the time to get this off my chest, and say I’m sorry. Not to anyone in particular, but certainly to all the women I’ve mistakenly harassed without thinking I was doing anything wrong.

Before you say I should seek therapy, just know that I’m already getting help.

I doubt I’ll be a problem for anyone in the future. I’m moving on with my life.

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