I had a dream with her last night.
Lately, I’ve stopped feeling anything towards anyone. I pass by humans in the street like they’re objects… I register them as things to walk around, as objects it makes sense to interact with, to say “excuse me” or “thank you.”
I have zero feelings towards anyone except my family. I ignore my roommates, I find small talk and human interaction to be a waste of time. Only in the context of work and business does socialization of any form make sense, and thus I can genuinely interact with interest with my coworkers… but beyond that, I find no reason to project a false impression of comfort or care.
I don’t care about people. In fact, I hate them. I hate myself. I hate this world. If I could watch it burn — myself with it — I would. At the least, if I could kill myself, could burn my existence away, I would do that too.
So the least I can do is keep that hidden from everyone and everything; keep my mind occupied so that those sentiments don’t surface or manifest. Truth is, I’m doing everyone a favor by completely disregarding them. Otherwise, who knows what a being like me is ultimately capable of?
Sometimes I wonder: is this psychosis? Most people would consider me troubled, or some kind of crazy. But frankly, despite this assumed status as an outcast, I can’t help but feel they’re the ones who are crazy.
I know I’m still capable of love —
But I don’t want to be.
I think most people would be frightened by the fact that a being such as me exists. But then, don’t they realize, this world is responsible for creating such a being? I am borne of their fear; so long as humans live in fear and act upon fear, they will create more beings like me, more humans to fear.
More tormented souls who can find no purpose or sense of belonging on this broken pixel.
Someone needs to hit the reset.
The concept of settling down, or having a meaningful relationship, or pursuing my biological desires — it kind of fills me with a sense of derision and disgust; I don’t wish to bring myself to it. I want to stamp it out. I want to cast out my humanity and ignite it with the contained fires of hatred and rage residing invisibly within me. I want my humanity to burn, and I want everyone to watch it and be afraid.
I don’t want power — I just… want everyone to be as uncomfortable as me. Because then, I won’t be an outcast anymore. I’ll belong.
In the dream, I was in a classroom. I walked past her, I ignored her, the same way I ignore anyone else of significance in my dreams. I had no feelings towards her as I walked past her, the same way I have no feelings towards anyone else of significance in my dreams. She was merely there, a resurgent figment of a past that ought to be buried and forgotten.
And usually, such figments of my past, these human relics that visit my dreams — usually they ignore me, in turn.
But she didn’t.
But she didn’t simply ignore me. She… came up to me, asked if she could sit beside me.
I felt something for her then. Those feelings I wanted to bury or burn, that humanity I wanted to cast out, it resurfaced. I wanted her to sit beside me. I always wanted someone there, beside me.
What did it mean? Was it my subconscious trying to invite me back to the world of humanity? Was it a trick to get me to fulfill my biological prerogatives?
At some point, we were kissing. I still… there was still a wall in my heart. She wanted to go further, and I didn’t.
I woke up, still feeling something for her. Throughout the day, I kept remembering her. And I realized, I remembered back to the beginning of this phase: she had been the catalyst, hadn’t she?
And now here I am, at the end of this phase: she’s back in my thoughts, the catalyst having helped speed up the inevitable reaction to its conclusion.
At present, it no longer makes a bit of difference that she’s in my thoughts. I can cast her memory into null space and forget her; I finally have the mental means to do so. From the analogy of a catalyst, this makes perfect sense: once the reaction is complete, the catalyst can be extricated from the solution as it no longer affects it.
Nothing: I strive towards it, I burn and cast aside anything that might get in the way of my pursuit of nothing. In the past, I lacked the ability to do this. Over these past few years, I have finally acquired this most useful skill.
Don’t get me wrong. I love her, I know I always will. I can’t help it. But now, love has no gravity upon my behavior in reality; it has been cast into a void where it floats.
There doth love belong, and there should it eternally stay.